Moses: the forgotten tablet

This is an example of the smart-arse, point scoring, article that serves no purpose. Fun to knock-up on a wet winter afternoon though!

Christians and Judaists subscribe to the ten commandments.

However, they are being choosey because there were at least two tablets according to the book of Exodus. Perhaps the second one was a set of corrections for the first, or maybe god missed some bits out first time round - so much for his being omniscient,

Stone 1 (Exodus 20)

I, the lord, am your god, who brought you out of the land of Egypt, that place of slavery.

• You shall not have other gods besides me.
• You shall not carve idols for yourselves in the shape of anything in the sky above or on the earth below or in the waters beneath the earth; you shall not bow down before them or worship them. For I, the lord, your god, am a jealous god, inflicting punishment for their fathers' wickedness on the children of those who hate me, down to the third and fourth generation; but bestowing mercy down to the thousandth generation, on the children of those who love me and keep my commandments.
• You shall not take the name of the lord, your god, in vain. For the lord will not leave unpunished him who takes his name in vain.
• Remember to keep holy the sabbath day. Six days you may labour and do all your work, but the seventh day is the sabbath of the lord, your god. No work may be done then either by you, or your son or daughter, or your male or female slave, or your beast, or by the alien who lives with you. In six days the lord made the heavens and the earth, the sea and all that is in them; but on the seventh day he rested. That is why the lord has blessed the sabbath day and made it holy.
• Honour your father and your mother, that you may have a long life in the land which the lord, your god, is giving you.
• You shall not kill.
• You shall not commit adultery.
• You shall not steal.
• You shall not bear false witness against your neighbour.
• You shall not covet your neighbour's house. You shall not covet your neighbour's wife, nor his male or female slave, nor his ox or ass, nor anything else that belongs to him.

Stone 2 (Exodus 34)

Our comments in bold italics.

Here, then, is the covenant I will make. Before the eyes of all your people I will work such marvels as have never been wrought in any nation anywhere on earth, so that this people among whom you live may see how awe-inspiring are the deeds which I, the lord, will do at your side.

But you, on your part, must keep the commandments I am giving you today.

I will drive out before you the Amorites, Canaanites, Hittites, Perizzites, Hivites and Jebusites.

He does like to throw his weight about doesn't he? Bit of a war-like bully god this one - no "peace amongst nations" here. Could explain George Bush and the other Crusaders.

We thought one of the rules was "you shall not steal" yet this god seems happy to steal the land of all these tribes and hand it over to his flock.

"I shall go amongst the Iraqis, smite them down, steal their oil and give you dominion over them."

Take care, therefore, not to make a covenant with these inhabitants of the land that you are to enter; else they will become a snare among you. Tear down their altars; smash their sacred pillars, and cut down their sacred poles.

Incitement to religious hatred and violence - hope you are listening Mr Blair - it's your lot we are talking about here.

• You shall not worship any other god, for the lord is 'the Jealous One'; a jealous god is he.

  Oh, he's a jealous god! Bit of handbag swinging here! If he is so omnipotent, omniscient and omni-present, who has he got to be jealous of? Poor love.

• Do not make a covenant with the inhabitants of that land; else, when they render their wanton worship to their gods and sacrifice to them, one of them may invite you and you may partake of his sacrifice.

  Isolationism - the religious stand apart. Could explain the Israel/Palestine issue. Obviously the god of Palestine is not as strong as the god of Israel - even though its the same god from the same book. Weird.

• Neither shall you take their daughters as wives for your sons; otherwise, when their daughters render their wanton worship to their gods, they will make your sons do the same.

  No integration, no assimilation, no mixed marriages. These people are not doing themselves any favours or expecting to be welcomed anywhere.

• You shall not make for yourselves molten gods.

  Wooden ones are OK then?

• You shall keep the feast of Unleavened Bread. For seven days at the prescribed time in the month of Abib you are to eat unleavened bread, as I commanded you; for in the month of Abib you came out of Egypt.

  No more bread or self-raising flour from Sainsburies or Tescos.

• To me belongs every first-born male that opens the womb among all your livestock, whether in the herd or in the flock.

  Kill every first born animal for me. This blood lust thing has us really worried.

• The firstling of an ass you shall redeem with one of the flock; if you do not redeem it, you must break its neck. The first-born among your sons you shall redeem. No one shall appear before me empty-handed.

  Duh? Lot of redeeming going on here. Is the RSPCA happy with the neck-breaking bit? Sorry guv, I'm empty handed - now what happens - do I get struck down?

• For six days you may work, but on the seventh day you shall rest; on that day you must rest even during the seasons of plowing and harvesting.

  So, no gardening or lawn mowing on Sundays then?

• You shall keep the feast of Weeks with the first of the wheat harvest; likewise, the feast at the fruit harvest at the close of the year.
• Three times a year all your men shall appear before the Lord, the lord god of Israel. Since I will drive out the nations before you to give you a large territory, there will be no one to covet your land when you go up three times a year to appear before the lord, your god.

  Men-only club?

• You shall not offer me the blood of sacrifice with leavened bread, nor shall the sacrifice of the Passover feast be kept overnight for the next day.

  Not even if you've got a fridge - so, beware!

• The choicest first fruits of your soil you shall bring to the house of the lord, your god. You shall not boil a kid in its mother's milk.

  I get the pick of the fruit as well. I'm a bit of greedy carpet-bagger really. Not sure where the kid popped up.